Vulpine  side stories
by Saphroneth
Summary: Little things taking place in the surroundings of Vulpine. Some of them could have happened in the canon, some of them couldn't, some are a mix. Again, expect seriousness to be low.
1. Why Yagura never turned up

Mei Terumei winced as another rumbling concussion shook the base. That would be the madman, then, breaking through the defences.

She snapped her fingers, and one of the rebel ANBU dropped down beside her. "Sound the evacuation, plan six. I'll provide the distraction."

"As you command, my lady." The shinobi vanished into the revolutionary base, and Mei steeled herself to go out and fight.

* * *

Mei calmly walked out of the base to stand before the Mizukage, Yagura, who was already cloaked in two tails of lurid Youkai and staring at the base with blank eyes.

"…die…"

Mei glared back. "I'm going to stop you, you have to know that. I have to. Blood lines aren't everything, but they provide the village with the elite it needs. And your policies are self destructive, and… oh, what's the use? You're probably too deep to even hear me now." A signal flickered in her chakra sense; the evacuation was complete. She flashed through handseals like quicksilver, laying down her best area denial technique to slow the rabid Jinchuuriki. "Lake of fire!"

Her feet shimmered as she rose off the now liquid ground, most of the island turning to lava with the use of an enormous amount of chakra. The Three-tails host was less prepared, and his chakra cloak sank to the waist before he began applying the water walking exercise to the lava.

Mei turned away. "We got away again, psycho. Better luck next time."

* * *

Madara shook his head from the next island over. "Oh, no, you don't. I'm not letting his authority get undermined like that. No matter how fake it may be…" His one visible eye spun into the Eternal Mangekyo, and he stared at Yagura. "Neutralize the lava field and kill her!"

* * *

Yagura's all but vestigial mind twitched. Lava was hot. Water stopped fire. He drew deep on his beast's chakra, the creature not offering up even a shred of resistance, and performed a technique that drew in tidal waves.

* * *

Mei turned. "What the…" A wall of water rose above her. In every direction. _So… this is a Jinchuuriki's power…_

A flicker of movement to her side, and an arm took hers just before the wave hit.

There was a bang.

* * *

Madara stared in disbelief at the enormous mushroom cloud of steam and pulverized rock rising over what had been a medium sized island, and was now a circular lagoon. Without checking, he knew that the blast had to have completely vaporized Yagura even through the chakra cloak – that explosion was on the near-mythical scale used to combat Bijuu.

"What the hell just happened? I could swear that was a steam explosion, but what… oh, I am an idiot. I just had him drop a hundred thousand tonnes of water onto a lake of magma, of course this would happen." The oldest Uchiha absently went intangible as a block of basalt the size of a house landed where he was standing.

Shaking his head, he began to walk off. "Well, that's put a damper on my plans. Three years before the Sanbi reforms…"

* * *

Ao noticed the woman he had sworn to follow stepping out of a rapid transport technique. "Mei! You survived?"

She nodded absently. "Apparently, though it was a close run thing. Thank you..?"

The ninja who had rescued her shook his head. "I have no name, I am but a tool."

She slapped him warmly on the back. "Don't talk like that, it's why we ended up in this whole mess in the first place. But if you like, I'll make it an order. Tell me your name."

He nodded. "It is Haku… lady Mizukage."

She blinked. "What?"

Ao nodded, and the form of Zabuza joined them out of the mist, chuckling. "That blast could destroy _anything_, and you're the strongest of us rebels. No way are you not getting the top spot."

The elder hunter-nin weighed in. "My Byakugan confirms it – the Sanbi's power is dissipating. Yagura is dead, and we have won."

Zabuza laughed. "Mei, Mei. Still a little slow on the uptake… same old Mei…"

Mei twitched and rounded on Zabuza. "I can spit corrosive steam, you know, so stop calling me OLD!"

Zabuza windmilled his arms and stepped back. "Whoa, it was just a joke! We can all move past it, right?"

"PAST IT? Take this!"

Zabuza fled from the newly hailed Fifth Mizukage, desperately pumping out mist to hide in. As they were from Mist and learned to Water Walk in the academy, neither of the high ranking ninja consciously noticing the tsunami rolling in from the devastated base island.

* * *

Ao beckoned Haku over. "Any progress on finding the others of the Seven?"

"Samehada is still with Kisame. Kiba is likewise still with Raiga, though he has not resurfaced in a while. The others are unaccounted for, except for Hiramekarei which has been located and will be back in the hands of Hidden Mist at the end of the week."

Ao nodded. "You found where Mangetsu died, then?"

"I did. It seems he overused the special feature of his assigned sword, and ran himself completely out of chakra killing his opponents."

"That doesn't sound fatal, just embarrassing and debilitating."

"He was water walking at the time."

Ao frowned. "So someone who can turn into water... drowned?"

"It is sort of pathetic, isn't it?"


	2. Madara and the amazingly annoying fox

"Ooh, are we going to go to Wind country? I like sand. I make it into glass, then I make the glass into things. Like rockets. Can we go there? I want to make a rocket out of sand, set it on fire and launch it at the moon to prank the Ten Tails. Bet if he ever wakes up again, he'll come out of there and be all 'raargh' and then step on the glass rocket and be all 'ow, that hurts!' and I'll be laughing at him because it's funny like that. Or maybe we can go to Water country! Water country is also interesting and fun because I can make waves that go woosh and they clean up all the islands! Try to make sure I rescue people, of course, I don't want to get sued because Ozy'd be unhappy if he had to learn the legal system again, but I-ooh! Butterfly! Do you know anyone with a butterfly summon? I want to chase a butterfly at the proper scale. It'd be fun, come on! Oh, you don't like that idea. Fine, let's see… what about we play a game of chess again? I promise I won't have my knights move in circles this time, the whole mutant superpower thing was a one-off. Maybe a two-off. Actually, what about a game of chess where we can move pieces all the time not just in our turns? That would be fun. I'd win because I can move loads of pieces at once. Oh, I have another question. What's the point of saying something's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick? Looooads of things are better than that. The only thing that's worse is a sharp stick, because with a blunt stick at least you know that you might keep the eye. Might be a sore subject for you? Certainly a pair of sore eyes – how do you tell when you have itchy eye problems if it's always red? Or black. Or both. Does it feel weird when you change what they are? I bet it does. In fact, I think that it feels like having sand in them. Because when other people get sand in them their eyes go red too. Perhaps it's a sign that you need to get better eyedrops. Or it means you're jealous – no, that's green eyes. Hey, hey! If you ever fight a bull… don't make eye contact with him, it'll make the bull reeeally angry with you and then he might charge you. I once met a bull who wasn't nice. He wanted me to be normal. What's the point of that? I'm obviously not normal, in fact you have to wonder if he paid any attention at all. You're paying attention, aren't you? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's good. I like it when people are polite and pay attention to me, because that way I know they hear what I'm saying. Especially because I have to pay attention to what I say since I have an attention span that's a little shorter than most people, so other people can't just not listen or they miss most of my point, which in this case is - chocolate covered grapes! Can we go and get some? They sound nice, right? Grapes… in chocolate! Sort of like a Liqueur chocolate but the fresher version. Hmmm… fresher. Sounds like refresher, which is a thing you do if you forgot something but not completely and need a reminder. Which is like refreshment, which the grapes are. See? I worked the whole thing in a circle! Tell you what, let's try tag like that. It. Pronoun. Proactive. Hyperactive. ADHD. Me! Meme. Mean. Average. Mode. Setting. Option. Optic. Eyes. Ivy. Plants. Animals. Tracks. Tracking. Chase. Tag! See, it works! No? Okay, I'll try again. It. Ichi. Ichibi. Shukaku. Drunk. Alcohol. Flammable. Fire. Lava. Volcano. Eruption. Temper. Anger. Irritation. Annoyance. Annoyed. Avoid. Escape. Search. Find. Label. Nametag. Tag! Oh, you don't want to play that at all. What about you show me something cool! Come on, please? Pleease? Pretty please? I'd be really grateful. If it's cool enough then I'd be amazed and go 'wow!' and you'd be all 'This is my true power' and then you'd feel better. Maybe you could…"

Madara Uchiha let out a primal scream, whirling to face his boss summon. "AAAAARGH! For the love of all the gods, will you just **SHUT UP **ALREADY!"

Millie, the Kyuubi no Kitsune, jerked once and was silent. Then she began mumbling loudly through a closed jaw.

"And you can **stop that** as well. Why I put all the effort in to find you, I will never know." Madara sighed heavily, and sat down.

After a few seconds, he realized it was blessedly quiet.

"Why aren't you… speaking?"

Millie rolled her eyes at him and gestured to her mouth.

"Well? **Answer me**."

"You just told me to shut up, and I felt kinda light headed and then I couldn't speak. What did you do? It felt weird."

Madara frowned. "**Quiet.**" Yes, there was definitely something happening in his eye every time he gave a direct order. Maybe there was something about the Sharingan? Or his Mangekyo version of it, anyway?

This had interesting implications.

"**Remain in the Elemental Countries and do not summon any other foxes. Await my next order.**"

Millie grumbled, but found it impossible to disobey.

"Oh, and **you are not to consider yourself under an illusion.**"

Her eyes crossed, then she nodded.

_Let's see if the other Bijuu are similarly susceptible. And with her little confirmation that the Ten-tails is more than a myth, I think it time to research that._

_Maybe if there's only one of them then I can actually make them stay shut up.  
_

* * *

AN: ...yeah.

This came about after I wondered where Madara's start in his evil plan came from. Then I realized that my version of the Kyuubi, being based off Millicent Mudd from Ozy and Millie, would probably have just annoyed him into conquering the world.

And discovering that the Sharingan could control Bijuu must have happened relatively recently or the Senju would have been flattened under the weight of the Uchiha Bijuu Army. The First WAS the only one to have the Wood release...

It's surprisingly hard to write stream-of-consciousness annoying person_,_ by the way._  
_


	3. Konohamaru and his Monkey Business

"This sucks." Konohamaru muttered. "Why do I have to learn all this stuff about politics?"

The monkey who was teaching him paused, and decided to explain. "It's part of the tale of Hanuman, the founder of our clan. He received many boons of great value – boons that the monkeys and their summoners imitate, and one of the ones that your grandfather uses the best is the ability to _destroy fear in friends._ To make people more effective by leading them. Who does better, a small army of normal men or a team of ninja?"

"The ninja." Konohamaru answered.

"Then what about if the soldiers all attacked them at once and fired arrows through the air, charged at them without fleeing, wore armour and did not break ranks?"

Konohamaru thought about that for a moment. "I suppose it depends on the ninja. But it'd be a lot harder than normal."

"Exactly. That the soldiers are not afraid, that they think and act as a unified whole, does a lot to counteract the abilities of the team of ninja."

"Still. A lot of this just goes over my head."

The monkey Brahmin frowned for a moment, and gave Konohamaru a sidelong look. "There was another thing Hanuman was known for, you know."

The boy's ears pricked. "What was that?"

"Flight. The ability to ignore gravity, in fact." The monkey looked positively sly. "This is something your grandfather never got the hang of, and it will take years if you want to learn it, but it can be taught."

"Wow! When can I start?"

The monkey carried over a large scroll. "Start with this. It's the complete account of the life of Hanuman the Great. The second of the great monkeys, Sun Wukong, is in the second half."

"Aw, not more work."

* * *

Sarutobi winced as half the minor nobles in Konoha shouted at him about stolen wine, fruit, spices…

"Rest assured I will look into it." He finally shooed the last out of the door, and upon closing it initiated a summoning technique.

"Sugriva! I told you not to let Konohamaru read the tale of Sun Wukong until he was at least a Genin!"

"My apologies, lord summoner. I hoped it would make him more dedicated in his studies to learn that some of the Monkey clan thought as he did."

"You mean you convinced him that even near-omnipotent powers can be used in the service of pranks. Oh, well, at least we _are_ a military dictatorship." Sarutobi shot a look at Danzo, calmly doing his share of the paperwork on the other side of the room and pretending not to listen. "I was starting to wonder, what with a few of the laws Danzo had ready to get passed when I retired."

"All in the past, Hizuren." Danzo commented absently, stamping a form on the promotion of a Hyuga to Chunin rank. "Besides, you know me well. It was all about the game, and the post of Hokage was the biggest stakes there was. Now, though?"

He brought out a report from Jiraiya about Akatsuki movements. "Surviving to the end of the next four years is going to be hard enough. I want to shake the hand of the Fifth when he takes office." A sly look came across his face. "You haven't told him he's your designated successor yet, have you?"

"Of course not."

"Good. That boy works better when he feels he has to earn something. Both his parents did."

* * *

Konohamaru and Abu shared a good chuckle. Replacing the wine of every nobleman's table in the village with vinegar had been a good prank, and seeing his grandfather scramble to mollify them ought to give him practical demonstration of diplomacy in action.

As for himself…

"He's over here!"

Both young summoner and young summon leapt from the tree and pelted away from the horde of vengeful Inuzuka.

Naruto was right. There really was no better Escape and Evasion training than annoying the best trackers in the village with an aniseed bomb.

* * *

"So, Konohamaru. You skipped out on school for three entire days and spent half of that running from the ninja you pranked. What do you have to say for yourself?"

The boy got an innocent expression. "It took a horde of ninja a day and a half to catch me?"

Danzo chuckled in the background.

Sarutobi frowned. "That's actually quite compelling. But in future, try to arrange your practices – it leads to less paperwork."

* * *

AN:

Yes, Konohamaru is getting extra lessons from the Monkeys now. Well, in canon they seem to just disappear...

And I made them Indian in theme, as can probably be guessed.


	4. Mitarashi Solid 3: Snake Eater

Kabuto bounced through the trees of Grass Country.

He'd been gathering information and materials from his former master's caches in the area, and funnelling them to Orochimaru. The puppeteer's stockpiles were often well provided with the bodies and body parts of unusual ninja, usually ones Sasori was planning on making into members of his Dance of a Hundred Puppets when practicable. He had been at least forty percent over establishment in his final battle, which may have contributed to his death on account of the sheer speed of thought it took to control them.

But that fun, if perhaps a little tedious, duty was over. He was headed back to Sound to hand over what he had found, which included a desiccated but preserved pair of Sharingan eyes dating back to the second war.

Something moved in the trees near the Tenchi bridge that was his next landmark, and he instantly dropped below the treeline. Only one of a spray of incoming kunai was close enough to be a risk, and he caught it in his mouth before discarding it to the side.

"Well, well. I didn't expect anyone to be here… usually mice have more sense than to walk up to even a grass snake." He said, smiling his irritating little smile.

"And you're hardly a grass snake. More like a black moron." Came the reply, a confident female voice ringing out from ahead.

Kabuto dropped a scroll, which hissed with smoke and produced a pair of body doubles of himself. The Dead Soul technique was fiddly, and the plastic surgery even more so, but it kept his hand in. It wasn't as if there was a shortage of subjects.

"Ah, miss Anko. Curse seal still holding up? Bitter, perhaps? I would expect nothing less of a reject."

With a flicker of silvered metal that Kabuto couldn't really follow consciously, a kunai sunk itself to the hilt in one of his doubles, destroying the heart and causing it to drop inanimate to the floor.

"I'm no reject, Kabuto. But in all sorts of ways, you are. Your village, your old master… Sasori was willing to sell you out to Konoha out of spite, you know."

Kabuto concealed the widening of his eyes, discreetly ordering his other duplicate to dip into a small vial of his blood and enact a summoning. "Is that how you think you found me here? If so, you're sadly mistaken." He still couldn't actually _see_ her, which worried him.

"Oh, he died months ago. But we found some of his caches, and a bit of back plotting let us know where you'd have to pass to raid them." Anko stepped from cover, boldly walking forwards and maintaining eye contact. Kabuto tried to hit her with senbon, but she moved with a fluid grace and caught them between her fingers.

"So is this an assassination attempt? Because I could be more use to you alive, than dead. Imagine it, Anko… getting revenge on Orochimaru rather than having to settle for me."

"Don't tempt me like that." Anko replied, but there was a slight uncertainty in her voice. Kabuto concealed a smirk. Even after all this time, she was still the young girl that Orochimaru had broken her as. Young, inexperienced at anything other than slaughter… playing her was easy. Hadn't Orochimaru nearly tricked her into suicide?

"What about this, then." He continued speaking. "I know how the Curse Seal works. I could help you get rid of it. You'd be free of it. Wouldn't that be so much better?"

Anko looked almost convinced. But then she gave a fierce smirk of her own. "You know, different summons have different approaches to things. Snakes are enticing, trying to lead their target into walking into a trap. And there are certain other animals that go along with that trap… until there's no further purpose."

Kabuto's blood suddenly ran colder than his snakes.

"_Valentinian."_

* * *

"Good work indeed, though perhaps a little showy." Belisarius noted, looking at the bloody scene in the copse. Menander, Anastasius and Calopodius had taken on at least a dozen summoned snakes, but that had only left debris. Even the expert severing of a spinal nerve by one of the spatha swords the Mongoose used simply resulted in a forced-dismissal.

Valentinian's lightning-quick decapitation of both remaining Kabuto, on the other hand, had left substantial residue.

Anko panted for a second. "That genjutsu he used was insidious as all hell. The thought pattern for being grateful he was offering to remove the seal almost made me forget Sakura did that a month and a half ago. Still," she straightened up, and grinned. "At least we got him."

"Indeed. The loss of his most competent subordinate will harm Orochimaru badly, and in lieu of attacking his base ourselves – a risky idea, against a Kage rank ninja – this is the most we can do."

"So, what next?"

Belisarius caressed his gemstone necklace. "I think that the best next choice is to hunt down any A-rank missing ninja that he could rely on to replace Kabuto."

"Hell, I'm up for that any day of the week!"

* * *

AN: It's been a while since one of these went up, and the Uchiha Brothers' showdown is taking quite some time to do. Have this in compensation.

Just to confirm, Kabuto is dead. He has ceased to be, that was not a clone, a second dead soul body or an impure resurrection, and it wasn't someone pretending to be him either. He does not have some crazy contingency regeneration plan, or at least not one that can be enacted with his head removed from his body and both halves turned into Konoha for bounty money and incineration.

This takes place around the time of chapter five of Vulpine.

As usual, the Mongoose summons are based off characters from the _Belisarius_ series by Eric Flint and David Drake. The _Spatha_ was a Byzantine sword from the 600s.


End file.
